Tuesday, November 29, 2005

November's Chopin

I have written a little story and i dedicate this to a few people who have been reading my blog:


Miss teo: Thanks for being by my side, becos of you, living has been worthwhile.
Lynn: I hope this little story will keep you company for as long as the story last.
You: Thank you for your time. I appreciate little things in life and one of it is to know you.


Once upon a time, there is this little town tucked away in one corner of the world. There is this river that separates the village into two sides, the north and the south.

The north is where the poorest people stay. They struggled hard and toil long at their fields. But they were happy people. They sing in the sun and dance to the moon. They embrace every bit of nature and their laughter can be heard far and clear.

Then over at the south stood majestic buildings and manificent mansions. The south people are never happy. They do not like the sun, it is always too hot for them. They never like the moon, they do not know how to sleep well at night. They are always counting their money, locking it up, then count again and lock it up all over.

There is this girl on the north, her name is moonlight. She was born in a broken down hut with a torn and tattered roof. The night that she was borned, the moon shone brightly into the hut and glowed on her face. She was a happy baby, she did not shed a tear upon her arrival on earth.

There is this guy on the south, his name is shadow. He was born in a castle of gold and precious stones. His cradle is made of sliver. His father was the wealthiest textile merchant in town. Shadow is always in the finest silk. Yet, there is never a moment in his life that he remembers that he is happy.

As far as this story has advanced, maybe you have tried to guess the conclusion of this story. Yes, the ending is not happy.

Shadow do not like the life of the rich. He often looks over to the north and wonder how is like over there. He likes the singing but he could not sing. His father would not allow him to. Singing is for the poor. To smile is to let down one's guard to the enemies.

Moonlight is as pure as her name. Her smile is as bright as the moon, her laughter is like the church's bells. Her face is like summer in the snowy November. She never know how is like to cry.

Shadow's only joy in life is to play the piano. Though he never know how to smile, he feels at peace when he hears the music. Moonlight often hears the sad songs at night, she will wonder why there are such sorrowful tunes. She listens and drift into her dreams, she often sees a sad face behind the black, grand piano, with the eyes looking afar, waiting.

The day they met, the snow fell hard on the people. Maybe it was never meant to be, perhaps this is wat they call destiny.

Shadow went to the forbidden river that separates the south and north, the elegant and the lowly. He was feeling more sorrowful as ever, in fact, it was suffocating. He threaded over the walls and the tall grass, he needed some space, away from the rich and glamourous.

Moonlight had cut her finger while on the fields. The river was her favourite haunt, the water washed away her pain and tireness each time.

She had never seen anyone from the South. She only heard about them. They never go near the river, only the servants would fetch water from it. It was the saddest face she has ever seen.

It was the most wonderful thing shadow had ever seen too.

It was a perfect moment.

The next day, same time, Shadow went to the river again. Moonlight was there, with a smile. It was summer in the november snow for Shadow. No one said a thing, in fact it was always silence each time they met.

Soon Shadow learnt to smile, he knew wat is happiness. Though it was snowing harder and harder by day, he could feel the sun's warmth. Going to the river everyday and looking at Moonlight was a tremendous joy. No one spoke a word still. There was never a need to. Her smile paints a thousand words.

Are you waiting for the evil man to come into the picture? yes, it will be Shadow's father.

Shadow's father is never around, he often travel out town for new textile. The day he returned, he saw Shadow playing the piano, smiling. It was a forbidden sight in the south. He trailed Shadow that day and saw Moonlight on the other side of the banks. He flew into a rage and locked Shadow up in the room.

Moonlight wondered why she never see Shadow again. But she could hear the piano everyday. The tunes was heart wrenching. Moonlight felt a tear coming to her eyes. Her first tear. She had no idea why. The tunes continued day and night, there was not a single moment that she did not hear it.

The last day of November, the snow freezed the river up. Shadow collasped on the grand piano and never get up again.

Moonlight never smile again. The tunes stopped. Somehow she knew Shadow is gone. She drifted along with life till the day she breathed her last. She knows she will see Shadow again.

The End.

7 years and 50 days

7 years and 50 days, the time has passed us by. Nothing in the world could be as nice as u and i. And how could we break up like this and how could we be wrong, so many years so many days and I still sing my song.

Now I run to you like I always do, when I close my eyes, I think of u. Such a lonely girl, such a lonely world, when I close my eyes I dream..” ~


U got any idea how is it like to be at a dead end? You are facing 3 walls and you only got one way back. That is to go back to the route you just came from. The route that you have threaded long and hard, and you got to turn back. Turn back to where? To where u started from? A dreaded journey now starting from the other way round. This is what they call a dead end. Its not even good enough to say that there is no way out. To put it more crudely, u wan to die but cannot die.

A very pretty colleague of mine, had a wonderful dream this afternoon. She dreamt of a tall, dark, handsome man who falls in love with her and she rejected him. Sometimes its just so easy to make a woman happy. No matter how tough or strong a woman looks, her needs are essentially simple.

Do you know its raining very heavily outside? And inside.

Someone keep bugging me, I cant blog. I continue this tomorrow morning. i hope i feel better then.

I just wanna be alone tonight. I even bought myself a bottle of Tiger and a big pack of ciggy. Due to some very unforseen circumstances, i cannot drink it tonight.

its suffocating.

its like a dead end.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Miracle

"Boy meets girl, u were my dream of world. But i was blind, u cheated on me from behind. So on my own, i feel so all alone, but i know its true, i am still in love with u..

i need a miracle, i wanna be your girl, give me a chance to see that you were meant for me.." ~bibitan's fav techno~


someone is quarrelling at my branch again.. this mother and daughter and an old lady exchanging vulgarities.. All the most crude and terrible hokkien vulgarities.. From what i gathered, the old lady accidentally knocked into the mother and daugther and she was not too apologetic about it. sighz.. thats why i am always so timid. Little things can be blown into something really big. The daughter is threatening the old lady now, about how she will hit her till she land up in the hospital.. is it necessary? really that necessary ma?

I always believe in being direct and frank. of course there are times to be discreet too. Life is really short, u should leave this world with no regrets! Thus i tell my brothers and sister that i love them everyday. I always made my emotions known. bibitan is no quitter.

I usually get what i want, IF i want it BADLY ENOUGH. one very classic example is my driving licence. i cant drive for nuts. If next time u ever see me behind 4 wheels, pls, STEER CLEAR OF MY PATH. my driving licence cost me $4000+++. sighz... wanna guess how many times i took my driving tests? i pass on my 6th attempt. Actually on my third attempt, many people told me to give up liao. I am not a very persistant person BUT when i want something badly enough, i will never let go. Thus i continue to my 4th, 5th and finally 6th attempt. I know that if i hang on long enough, someone will awknowledge my efforts.

u know how many times i practise on my car per week? u know how much money and time i spend on my driving practises? Even my ex instructor told me to give up, she told me that i cant pass for nuts. I sacked her after my third attempt and got a new instructor. Sometimes in life, all you need is someone who believes in you.

On my 6th attempt, i met the tester that took me for my very first driving test. Even before i started the engine, he told me, "u again!" I was SUPER SHOCKED, is my face really that memorable?!! that he actually recognised me!!

" i took u on your first attempt, u went one whole big round and now its your SIXTH TIMES! tell me, how u intend to ever pass"

*sweats* fierce sia... i havent even started my engine, he already say until like that. I only said one sentence to him.

" i will do my best this time."

And so i got my driving licence. It had been 2 painful years. Each time i always leave the driving centre in tears. Then i will cry till my eyes swollen.. sighz, when i pass, i was still crying. I think my mummy is very touched. Aiyah she knows me one, i can be very focussed if i wan to. i havent drove her out before. i will one day!! In my own car.

mummy, wait for me k.. *muachz*

Saturday, November 26, 2005

drink, smoke and dance

"to bury, to forget, to detach, to avoid, to conceal and to hide.. six ways to a better living.." ~bibitan~

Drink, smoke and dance. My 3 greatest vices. My only hobbies, my only enjoyment and consolation. Very expensive past time i have to admit, got to keep doing more sales to maintain it. One day i will quit all of it. Yeah.. when i get a daughter like how my mother got me and i staring in horror, she repeating all my mistakes when i was younger. I will quit. cant help thinking about how my mum stare at me in horror sometimes. oh.. my poor mummy, well i love her. i am going to give her a supp card. hmm, gotta break the news to her tonight. i think she will be happy to get a supp card from her daughter who drink, smoke and dance. how comforting..

My dad is a weird man. He is always talking about funny prophercies and ways of life. I dun really like to hear the future, it makes me very uncomfortable. The route ahead of me lies alot of tribulations, challenges and ostacles. i guess this is how he always comfort me, by knowing that i have alot more stooopid shit to go through, watever misfortune i met now, is INSIGNIFICANT. Oh, i simply adore him too, he is a hell of a father. Cool and responsible. i like that. thus i am also aloof and matured like him. WAHAHAHAAHAH.... i can imagine his face if he ever knows how to read english. HE WILL SMILE.

got a fren asked me to not to just write about my job. so i today i am writing about human beings.

i know miss teo since sec 3. she was an ah lian, i was a good gal. WAHAAHAHAHAHA.... shit if she ever read this, she will flip. ok, WAIT. there is nothing to be paiseh about, if anyone of u out there is classified as AH LIAN. be cos, usually pretty gals who are dao and cool, people will say that u are AH LIAN. anyway now is 2005, ah lian dun exist anymore. every girls looks almost the same. The younger kids of the new generation dressed up with style and taste. i look at my 16 yrs old sister, i am full of admiration. I never know that green is a nice colour. i never thought of wearing any other colours except black and white. Yellow is nice, green is nice, brown is nice.. COLOURS ARE WONDERFUL....

jia lat, i am toking about crap again, got to be abit more serious.

actually hor, my job is a very serious job. i got to look very professional and intelligent. ha.. i keep giving little clues and hints about my job WHEN SO MANY OF U READING THIS, KNOWS WAT I AM WORKING AS.... pui... not fun one... wanna be mysterious and cool also very hard. These days, its very hard to keep secrets, cos of blogs, friendster, email, msn, etc etc... alot of things got exposed. Its true. WAAHAHAHAHHA.... like how i discover someone's erm... ok, never mind, i dun say le. sekali i kanna punched in the face, i also dun know why..

time to go home. i lost 2 eyebrow pencil in TWO days. i gonna buy new ones le. sighz.. In accounting, they classified this under "missing" WAHAHAAHAHAH.... i am a marketing student for your info. hee hee...





Thursday, November 24, 2005

The most sober state of mind

" to let go, is not to give up, rather it is the embracement of reality and truth" ~bibitan~

tomorrow i am going to raffles place. wan dan le.. the people there are so educated and well read. i think i am going there to bang wall tomorrow. that is one of my most dreaded place in singapore. although i also have the same stoooopid toilet roll paper like all the graduates there, i just feel out of proportion, out of place, out of purpose.

in life hor, one of the most important thing is confidence. IT IS SOMETHING VERY POWERFUL! u can achieve alot of things with it. u will look prettier and perform better when u have confidence.

as usual i know how to say alot of rubbish but dunno how to do. WaAHAAHAHAHAha...

i was telling miss teo about my cannon plan for my birthday. then she said i very stoopid, why open cannon for other ppl, open bottles can le. i think think le, also correct. Cannon is very expensive.. i can go buy my first branded good. Anyway i also dun have much friends to invite, if i open cannon, i can drink it for 1 year with miss teo. WAahahaAHaHAha... sighz, miss teo and i are toking about cannon for many years liao. but always cannot make it. Never mind, hopefully next next year i can fulfil my cannon dream. its like others girls' wanting to be cabin crew, i wanna open a cannon. Opps, this is very unbecoming of me. BUT i cant help it. hee hee...

actually my birthday is still very very long time away.. wahahahaha.. but i already start thinking le. sekali, my favourite disco closed down next year, then i really wanna cry. kekekeke... wun la, i will pray very hard that the place remains open till my birthday is over. whatever happens after febuary, not my business le. muahahahaha...

i am falling asleep in my little prison cell again.. *ooOoo*

Monday, November 21, 2005

its never meant to be

" somethings belong to u, somethings dun. wake up, if its never meant to be" ~bibitan~

this morning, i finally sat down and do something constructive. i went to clear all my pending cases.. damn it, if my boss knows that i have been sitting on them for so long, she will hammer me.

i keep doozing off, my eye lids very heavy le.. too bad, my cubicle got no door.. all the "lost" customers or PRETEND TO BE LOST ppl will keep popping their head into my cubicle and ask me SILLY AND IDOITIC questions.. sighz, pls lor, dun think u can di gong with me, u still got to go to the counter and QUEUE. is it so hard to queue up? just stand in one straight line, u got a queue!!

sometimes i really dun understand. this country has one of the highest literacy rates, YET people keep coming to me and ask me IRRELEVANT questions. today i dun even wanna look at them, i just point and say "there!"

then there is this mad man in my branch, who keep knocking on the glass panes... when the door is wide open.. he keep knocking and shouting hello. Nobody is paying attention to him. everyone knows he is mad. for the moment i wish i am half as mad as him.

Then i will not pay attention to all the people who are not paying attention to me.

monday all over again..

"the world is round, you will never fall off" ~bibitan~


i believe in cycles, things goes round in circles. if u are mean to someone, u sure will kanna one day. thus i used to have this very good friend back in my JC, she told me that if someone is mean to u, be mean to another person. Things will move in such a way that it will go back to the very first person.

i always remember this, so i am nice to everyone.

anyway its monday again. its only 1pm, i have no idea how to spend the rest of the hours before i leave for my meetings. I LOVE MEETINGS. its a wonderful way to catch up with your fellow colleagues, sit around waste time, talk about "serious" issues and act really professional. my previous job has no meeting. So i dun feel important, i dun feel valued. I used to get monday blues in the past, now i dun. be cos every Monday evening i got meetings. i can feel important today.

this morning, i went to give a talk to about 60 people. oh, its was quite fun. sometimes i like to be among human beings, it makes me feel less alien. I cant really recall wat exactly happened be cos i wasnt very focussed this morning. my mind is drifting off once again..

i need some motivation in life. i cant drift along everyday. it makes me old.

MONEY? nope. i am not interested in that this month.

CAREER? how to when i am not even proud of my job...

MEN? hmm...

die le, i cant think properly today. i think i go ask my dad for some life directions. hopefully tomorrow i can find some motivation and live my life more meaningfully. i cant be typing rubbish everyday. i cant be so DETACHED from the whole world everyday..

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Moonlight shadow

" she sings a song of sorrow and grieving, carried away by the moonlight shadow..
all she saw was a silhouette of a gun, far away on the other side. He was shot 6 times by a man on the run and she couldnt find the way to pass thru..."

Once again, after 2 days of roadshows, i am back in my little prison cell in toa payoh, staring into space again. i am in all WHITE today, need to attend a fellow colleague's church wedding.. so sweet.. *sobs* i hope no one mistaken me as the bride, cos i wear all white.. WAHAHAAHAH... was wondering if church wedding need to give hong bao or not.. hee hee.. think no need right, only the wedding dinner need hor..

i listen to techno songs everyday to work.. it perks me up. smoke + martell + techno, always makes me a very happy bibi tan. tonight i gg to MU again. how motivating. thats the only place that i feel in touch with my inner self. most of the time, especially at work, my mind is always floating off to other places.. even when customers are in front of me, i am already thinking about other things le.. so many people say i am blur, bibi tan IS NOT BLUR. but bibi tan likes to act blur.

talking about acting blur. this is really a MUST SKILL to master in life. IF u are someone with no ambition, no goals (like me) and u dun wan any responsibility and u dun intend to get famous, PLEASE act blur. Then u will soon find yourself waived off alot of very tedious and complicated work. it always work on me, until sometimes when ppl knows that actually i am not as blur as i look, then i start to kanna alot of shit..

in my very modest opinion, living as bibi tan is one of the worst punishment ever created.. *sianz* thus i have another theory about life: NEVER GET FAMOUS. once u are famous, THATS IT. u cannot go club without ppl looking at u, u cannot drink until drunk, u cannot smoke or else your fans will cry, u cannot have BF if not u will lose all your fame. to all my friends and fellow colleagues suffering sliently in our prison cell, PLEASE be low profile. The arrow will always be pointing at the most obvious target.

oh, so mush rubbish again. oh, i must pay tribute to my only audience miss teo. as long as i have ONE living audience, i will still blog. thank you for reading, thank u for your taking time to read so much rubbish.

MU, here i come!!!!

Friday, November 18, 2005

Morning at Thomson

If one day my manager ever find out how to read blog or how to msn, I think she will flip. Flip all over the place.. till today, she is still very amused at the rate of how news spread so much within the fellow colleagues. She only thinks that we email each other every hour. Sighz.. ITS MSN, not email..

Anyhow I was late again for roadshow. Yesterday my shoe snapped. Today I cant find my pants. I dun mean to la, but I am not in the mood to do business again. When I reached the branch, I regretted not coming later. Worse than ghost town.. I wanna hit mosquitoes also no mosquitoes for me to hit. Flies also dun come here..

The customers dun walk here, they DROVE HERE. They drove into the compound in BIG BIG cars. Just like the lancer club (SLC) gathering, this morning is Mercedes and BMW gathering.. Drive Toyota also must drive CAMRY. Damn.. Drive such a big car for wat. Waste petrol, pollute the air, waste money, then the roads must expand bigger for your cars, must build more car park lot..

I am sitting in the branch. This time I dun feel that I am in a prison cell. I feel that I am in the zoo. I am the animal, my potential customers are in the queue, looking at me for FREE. At least the animals in the zoo are fed and cared for, for being looked at. They stared at me FOR FREE. Pui.. my manager keep forcing me to go talk to them, but they looked really hostile. The first customer I spoke to earlier already shouted so loudly le. He was complaining about EVERY SINGLE thing under the sun. My manager give me eye signal to chase him away.

“sorry Mr xxx, I dun think I have anything suitable for u.. maybe…”

before I finished, he started rattling again. I feel so miserable.…

of course I cant do my selling very well later on. I end up with 1 miserable case for the day. The earning for the day is only 1 tequila shot after CPF deduction.

TIAN AR……………………………..

Thursday, November 17, 2005

"when nothing matters anymore, living becomes more bearable" ~bibitan~

today has been very eventful. i was on my way to bedok when my shoe strap snapped. i got to turn back home and changed another pair of shoes. the roadshow was supposed to start at 8.30am but i got there at 9am.. heng, my boss is later than me, if not i sure kanna one.. Anyhow, during the 50mins mrt ride, i was thinking, this time die le.. shoe snapped = bad omen. i thought i can forget about my bottles and my canon.

the branch at bedok is supposed to be a very "WANG" place. but today like ghost town in the morning. like that how to do business.. no people, no business, no bottles..

just as i was feeling dejected and defeated, my fellow colleague told me something. there was this lady officer in the branch say i am a "chio bu". *speechless* *stunned* *blushed* *giggles* *MOTIVATED* wohohohohohoho...

IMMEDIATELY, i found the reason to live, to strive, to fight to endure, to succeed... no matter wat, i am very thankful to her. fake or real, compliments never fail to perk bibi tan up. hee hee.. heard that she is a cheongster too. to get this kind of compliment from a cheongster, is something really worth to be hao lian about. just imagine all the chio bu and pretty mei mei in the discos and pubs.. oh.. i am soooo *touched*

i got 6 deals today. small small deals. can only open 2 bottles of chevas after deducting CPF. damn it.. like that how to survive.. tomorrow i going to thomson branch. i hope the motivation stays on. so i must constantly remind myself, someone say u chio, someone say u chio, someone say u chio.... then i can close many many cases again.

thomson.. many rich people.. i dun like.. some of them can be very stuck up.. last time when i was still working in a bank answering calls, everyday i kanna scolded left, right, centre, front by customers, especially the "not so rich but wanna act rich" that kind. i kanna scolded until i cry everyday, cry on my way to work, cry on my way home. went to take MC so many times, so that i dun have to go work. the most ultimate one is, the last time i took MC before i resigned, the doctor asked me wats wrong with me, before i said anything, i burst out in tears... The doctor also taken aback, he asked me wats wrong. I started howling about my job, the calls i get, the people i meet. He give me 2 days MC and asked me to go home and think about wat i want in life. shortly after, I QUIT.

i never look back.





Tuesday, November 15, 2005

A space to call my own

i work 8 hours a day, of which, i spend 6 hours on msn and a 2 hours lunch
i am definitely not an IT person, asking me to create a blog is like killing me.. The fact that i am doing this is because i am really TOO BORED. bored to tears, to the extend of wanting to jump.. i have tok to all the people i can tok to, i dun know who else to call except miss teo, but i cant keep calling miss teo be cos she needs to work too.. and so here i am.. i created my first blog. instead of talking to myself for the past few hours, now i can exercise my fingers a bit bit, see my fingers can become thinner or not... ~~LOL~~
dun ask me wat i am working as, in case u are interested to know. Of course, 6 hours msn, 2 hours lunch sounds really attractive. My compensation package is quite satisfactory too. i got a perfectly decent job but i am just not very proud of it. why? hmm... this question.. for me is the company's name, if u know, u will run. WAHAHAAHAHAAH.... then again, when i scroll down my fellow colleagues' msn messages, they are either foul words, desperation, disappointment or anger etc etc. I honestly think there is a problem somewhere but at this moment of time i am too hungry to evaluate.
Today is my third day of fasting. its not the first time. when i first did it, i was 17yrs old. i went on 4 days without food. By the second day, you will become numb and expressionless. 3rd day, u will become a walking zombie and u will get headaches from the hungar pangs. 4th day, u can walk past your friends without hearing them call out your name.
SOMETHING JUST HAPPENED AT MY WORKPLACE!! this woman, she started scolding my customer service officers (CSO)
"why u so lazy! u got no hand issit! why u cannot help me tear!"
i immediately pop my head out of the cubicle and see, suddenly i not hungry liao.. i am someone who get very disturbed when there is a quarrel or fight, i get scared very easily.. This woman is abit too much, she keep scolding, i dun quite get the story, until this old man behind her in the queue shouted back at her.
"Why cant u tear it yourself?! why must u bully ppl? tear it yourself and throw it in the dustbin LA!!"
oh, the woman wanted my CSO to throw something for her but my CSO did not tear it. like that also need to scream and shout.. sighz.. *shake head* Maybe she also fasting like me.. then again, when u never eat, where got energy to scream at ppl. she must be eating too much. LOL..
the old man is really my hero.. how come everytime i kanna bullied also nobody come and help me.. then i always gong gong kanna bullied. lucky most of the time, got miss teo with me. miss teo will help me settle most of the things, to decrease the chances of me being scolded by hostile and mean ppl.
ya.. why huh.. i dun understand le, i can walk into a bank and get sacastic remarks from the officers there. lynn say i gong, my manager say i stupid.. sometimes i also dunno if the problem lies with me or them. i am really very chin cai, u scream at me i also will not do anything. i will still gong gong stand there and let u scold. ~LOL~
BUT of course, there is always an exception in everything. Since young, there is one particular word that i LOATHE. u can never say that to me!!! ok i stop here. alot of many unhappy memories start to fill my brain le. ok STOP.
oh, tomorrow i am going to bedok to work. so damn far from my house.. great. sighz, this month, money hasnt been the best motivation so i simply heck my sales. This month, the only motivation i get is to go out on saturday with miss teo to drink and listen to techno.
oh, i meeting miss teo later, so happi. dun worry, we 2 are not lesbians, we are just 2 pretty yet lonely women with nothing better to do in this world. WOHOHOHOHOHOHO... i think we gg orchard. i hope i dun faint there... so many ppl, later very throw face.
oh.. is this blog too long? paiseh, i really dun have experience with blogs.. think i should end here.. i managed to kill 1 hour of my working hour by blogging. no wonder so many ppl wanna blog. Can kill time, can become a star, can go on TV, can become famous. GOOD. Blogging is good.

a little tribute~

when nothing matters anymore, living becomes more bearable

before i start anything, i would like to pay a tribute to my younger sister. Thanks for helping your very idoit da jie start this blog. from today onwards, i will no longer feel bored at work. GOOD. instead of msning all the same people over and over again, i will just blog.