Parenting Lessons

Recently a colleague of mine started this greek personality test. It actually became a little craze among me and miss teo. Its actually very accurate if you get your type right. i am a type 9. i am a peace maker. i never like conflicts. When i am unhappy, i chill out.. For bibi tan's chill out method, she hides, she become very unlike herself, she shuns other people. She will keep quiet, she will start to think about alot of things. Since she dun like conflict, she blames herself. She thinks she is the cause of all problems. She will start to point finger at herself and laugh at herself and bring her only tiny wenny bit of self esteem to the bottomless pit until she cannot see it anymore. She will do things to herself until she cannot recognise herself anymore. She will drink until she dun remember herself anymore. She will listen to techno until it blasted her ears to the max. She will smoke until she cannot breathe anymore.

The most important issue of all. Type 9 become type 9 partly be cos of her childhood. Type 9 has a very suppressed childhood. So i started to think about my childhood. I remember my childhood very very well. I was a matured kid since.. erm.. a kid. WAAHAHAHAHA.. An important note: I totally love my parents and i know they love me too. I told my mama i love her everyday, i told her i miss her when i really do miss her. They brought me up well only that there are some bits of upbringing that upon thinking back, i feel that they could have done it better.

First lesson: Tell your kid, they are Good enough

My mama always refused to sign my report book, unless its a perfect 100 or i am number 1 in class. When i get 98 for my exams, i would bring the papers to her. The form teacher wants parents to awknowledge it. My dad works till late. She would refuse to sign. She would tell me, thats not good enough. So i would go back and study harder so one day she would sign my papers and report book. I always try very hard to be number one when i was younger. I study really hard, hoping one day she would sign it. The best i did, was the second in class. I never managed to make my mama happy back then. I was never good enough for her signature.

Second lessson: Reward your kid

I dun have toys when i was younger. I can only buy toys once a year. After the release of the report book. I can only buy toys when i am the top 3 in class. I love barbie dolls. But i can never have them unless i am the top 3 in class. I was the second in class once. The only once. They brought me to Toy'r us.. I was thrilled. I learnt that i got to work for every single thing in life. I can never get things free. I am never good enough for anything.

THird lesson: LEt your kid cry

My papa never let me cry. Once i cut my finger. I was howling like mad. He slapped me. If i was ever right, i was only about 4 ba. He told me, i am not supposed to cry. I never know that crying needs a reason. It hurts. But i am Not supposed to cry. I am not supposed to express my emotions. I am supposed to pretend that nothing has ever happened before. He taught me well, I have been controlling my emotions very well, within myself when i am actually the most expressive kid. Now i cannot tell if i am happy or sad. I am not sure if i should behave this way or that way. Let them cry. It helps them to grow up in a more healthy way.

Forth lesson: Never put your kid down in front of other people

I was 5. In the lift, a neighbour told my mama that i was a pretty and good kid. My mama said, no she is not pretty, she is fat. My mama says she is not a good kid, she dun study hard enough. I was a good kid. really. My mama never let me go nearer than 1 metre to the fridge or tv. If i do, she will cane me. In fact she caned me all the way till 9. Now, at the age of 24, i think caning is good as a punishment. But not when they never do anything wrong. It becomes damaging. She confessed to me once when i was some what older like 15 yrs old. She confessed that she caned me for other people to see. My family was staying with my Grandparents, aunties and uncles. They ill treated my mama and always complained that i was a naughty kid. I was a GOOD kid. I always do my home work and sleep at 8pm, or should i say my mama locked me up in the room at 8pm with no lights on. I was a good kid. My mama caned me for my aunties and uncles to see. Be cos they cannot find fault with my mama to ill treat her, they pushed all the blame to me. I was a good kid. So my mama caned me for them to see. I became like a retard, I sit on the sofa for hours, like an idoit. I cannot go near anything else, they will complain that i wanna wreck things up. Bibi tan will never wreck things up. She is as gentle as a feather. She is a good kid.

Last lesson: Tell your kid that you love them

I think every kid wants alot of love. Me too. I wanna be a princess. I imagined myself as a princess. I love to read since young. I read every single fairy tale. My beloved auntie will buy me many many books. I read all of them. I would think of myself as a princess in pretty dresses and long hair. But my mama always cut my long hair away. She dressed me up like a guy. This is for easy maintainence. Its always easier to manage a guy than a gal. My papa trained me to behave like a guy. I got to do things myself. I cannot cry. I was never a princess. When i grew up, HA... i become FAT. 63kg. I became FAT. My class mates laughed at me for being clumsy. Its pretty normal for primary school kids to laugh at each other. But they did not realise that i was more vunlerable than any other kid. I was too matured for my age. I get upset though i never show it. I always look happy on the outside. I laugh along with them AT MYSELF. i know that makes them my friends and they will like to play with me more. I forgot about MYSELF. I neglected myself just like how my mama and papa neglected me.

Now that i am 24, i recalled all the things i did. It was all for love and attention. I never feel that i deserved anything in this world. So i guard the little things that i have. I guard them fiercely until I can destroy them so that no one else can have it. I will want alot alot of attention until i cannot get enough of it. Then i will start to question myself if i ever needed it. Its like an obession.

My friend told me once: " bi, you are a totally sober person who likes to be drunk." Yes, in this short life span of 24 yrs old, i did alot of things that completely chui whatever little future I have. I spoilt everything i have.

I always pick my guys who are totally way off standards. Be cos i never thought that i can be good enough for anyone worthy. I always remembered: i am never good enough. I remembered too well until i wrecked everything i ever have.

Last words, bibi tan may have done many many things she should not have done. She will never regret a single thing. This is the only GOOD out of all the wrongs. She carry on life as if it was never chui before. She enjoys her music and beer as much as anyone else. Given a chance, she will do all the wrongs all over again.

But given a chance, she would like to say something, She would like to say sorry to herself. Sorry for doing all the unnecessary and forgetting all the necessary.

All she ever wanted is to be a princess once. But she became a pathetic princess in an empty castle. With alotsa chivas, beer and ciggies.